Creative Writing Ideas

[Bibi-chan]

Okay, so in my Creative Writing class at school, we have workshop days and in-class writing days. I'm using this thread to post stuff I either have planned or wrote down, and I want your feedback for the ideas I post, because the better I make this stuff, the more likely it's to be considered for the school's literary journal, Orpheus.

Here's an idea that I wrote down. See what you guys think.

Hatred

His hatred for his kind blinded him
He walked a needless path of death and destruction
This boy, maybe twelve years of age, but actually much older
With hair the color of golden wheat fields
And eyes of the deepest blue

The world he wanted, based on his sister's dying wish
Was a world he could not have
A world where everyone was equal, exactly the same
'Lifeless', he called them, and he had many
Many who were like him in every way except one
They lacked a soul, and therefore a conscience
While he had both, but they were tainted
Tainted with the darkness and bloodshed

Many lives lost for the sake of his New Age
They sleep without rest, knowing that they were sacrificed for a cause that would only be a temporary solution
And a duplicate was to be added to that large number
But another lone boy stood up
An outcast, 'My Shadow', he was called by the boy consumed with hatred

All the lone boys wanted was a world where everyone was treated fairly
But blood was shed on both sides
And it came to the realization that both boys would have to face each other
And they did

Because one boy was consumed by hatred, he lost everything he had, including his life
'Goodbye,' he said,
'I don't regret the choices I made in life
Because I wanted a world that I could call my own
If given the chance, I would do the same things
All over again.'

And thus, the boy's hatred destroyed him.

I'm looking for POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE critiques. I need to polish up this idea before my first workshop on the 23rd of September. I don't want comments on the subject matter of the poem. That doesn't matter. I want critiques, both positive and negative, to help make this piece less rough around the edges. And I want them IN THIS THREAD ONLY. Not in IM, not in text message (should you happen to have my number), but IN THIS THREAD. If I don't get to see it right away, rest assured I will get to see it, sometime before my workshop.

Thank you for your time and patience in reading my horrible work.

[Vaati of Darkness]

Looking through it,the only thing that bothers me is the description of Lloyd as a 'lone boy'. I think you could do a good symbolic description of how Lloyd,with seven of his friends fighting alongside him, didn't betray him and stayed by him until the end while Mithos lost both his friends and even his sister's blessing thanks to his actions.

[Profile]

I agree with Shao. Not only that, but someone MIGHT get the reference, and if they do, they might accuse you of stealing. If you don't give credit to what it's referencing to, you can kiss getting your work in that journal goodbye.

[Vaati of Darkness]

Again, I agree. While Tales of Symphonia isn't widely known (whereas Final Fantasy would probably be known to quite a few people) there is still a chance someone could read it, get the connection, and think you stole from the game. My advice is to say "This is inspired by a video game called Tales of Symphonia, which means a lot to me because of..." then say stuff about Mithos being evil, yet still being sympathetic, and how it encourages people to not be afraid of those who are different.

Furthermore, here's another idea you could exploit. Mithos calls Lloyd "My Shadow"...because Mithos was a lot like Lloyd before the death of his sister, who kept him going through life. Hence he chose a much different path. Notice: "You, who stand at the end of the path I choose not to follow". Another point is, Mithos refuses to change his ideals even when he's dying and stuck in the Cruxis Crystal. Hence Lloyd's sadness that Mithos chose not to live with them in the new world. Also, despite everything Mithos did, Lloyd, Colette, etc seem to be slightly forgiving to him, Lloyd even saying Mithos can live anywhere he likes. In other words, Lloyd was stronger than Mithos, even willing to have the one who did so many bad things to his friends live with them.