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Post by Profile on Nov 7, 2009 21:12:10 GMT -5
Constructive Crits. Ones that could potentially hurt my feelings. I really need to know what I can do to make this better.
Chapter 1:
Setting: Winter, atop an abandoned Atlas from long ago, near land. Time has taken its toll; its body has sunk down beneath the waves. Only the head, where the city rests, remains above the surface. Several more years, and soon water will flood the streets. Veins of ivy and the large increase of birds gives the place an eerie beauty…But the damage it has suffered ages ago has left it uninhabitable…
Scene 1 *A lone being travels among the crumbled buildings, wearing a coat made of scrap cloth. She glances up at the sky at the clouds crowding together overhead* Profile: Great…More rain… *she continues walking, and stops at the edge of the city, where a grave is, watching the ocean* Profile: I shouldn’t be out here…It wouldn’t be good if I’m caught in the freezing rain. He always said so… *a click is heard, and she glances over her shoulder at a mysterious figure* Profile: …Come to cause more trouble? ??: … Profile: I thought you learned your lesson. *She ducks and trips her attacker, and they fight as freezing rain starts to pour. After a while of fighting, Profile’s left arm locks up, which notable shocks her, giving the assailant the chance to hit her hard enough into the cold water below…* ?? : Have fun with the fishes… *the attacker walks into a building, and starts to walk down a set of steps*
(Planned for the rest – Sei and another soldier are doing a patrol of the beach near their town, when Profile washes up nearby. Upon discovery, the other soldier is apprehensive about her and wants to shoot her right away, but Sei convinces him that she might be shut down. They both jump as she slowly gets up, and they point their weapons at each other. When Profile finds out where she is, she immediately sets off to return back home, and after a while, Sei starts to follow, despite his friend’s objections. Profile notices and points a gun at him, threatening him to back off or die. Sei, however, tells her that he thinks she has a reason for not attacking him, and for wanting to return home. Profile, stunned by the word, calls him a fool and runs back to the Atlas, Sei following. She immediately runs down to the room where the core is, finding her attacker destroying some machines within the room. After yelling at them, she and the attacker fight as Sei runs in. The attacker uses his appearance as an advantage, grabbing the soldier and pointing a gun at his head. Profile’s helpless – She doesn’t want to see him die, nor does she want to hurt him. The attacker then shoots at an overhanging machine, causing it to drop right on top of Profile. They then escape (With a metal box) as Sei tries to help Profile. Profile again calls him a fool, telling him that he’s just putting himself in danger. Sei, however, tells her that he put himself in danger when he joined the military, to protect his home. He then manages to yank her out, noting that her left hand lost its artificial skin and is damaged. Profile ignores the wound and takes off after her attacker, who became lost in the inner maze of the Atlas. Upon seeing the box, she becomes agitated, demanding that he give it back to her. When he refuses, they fight some more, and when Sei runs up, Profile, almost in rage, punches the attacker in his chest, her hand sparking with energy. However, this causes an explosion, sending all three into the ocean. Sei panics – He cannot swim – and sees a strange figure as he blacks out…)
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Post by Profile on Nov 8, 2009 16:21:28 GMT -5
Second part~
Scene 2 Setting: The shore of a beach near Elaku Village, one of the many mining towns. The mine has been closed down due to uprisings and lack of materials used for Atlas. Now a small military base has set up there, preparing new soldiers for battle…The storm has let up to a cold drizzle. The Atlas can barely be seen…A sad sight. - *Two soldiers are walking along the beach shore, wearing thick coats with the hoods up. One of them, Sei, rubs his hands together, despite the fact he’s wearing gloves.* Brandr: You’re goin’ to set your hands on fire if you keep doin’ that. Sei: Ahaha…Sorry. I’m not used to being out this late. Brandr: Neither am I, but you don’t see me complainin’. Sei: You’re shaking. Brandr: Shut up! *They chuckle, and Sei looks over at the Atlas* Sei: That thing’s been there for as long as I can remember… Brandr: Well, it’s an ancient model. Who’d want to live on an Atlas that walked? Now that they can fly, the older ones are pretty much islands in the ocean. Sei: Hey… *Sei’s now looking at something on the beach* Sei: What’s that? *he runs over to see* Brandr: Wait, you dolt! …Dammit… *Brandr follows Sei, and they inspect what the thing is – It’s Profile, unconscious. When Brandr notices the metal ears, he almost freaks and pulls Sei away, pointing a gun at Profile* Sei: Whoa, what the heck!? Brandr: That thing’s a Messenger! Sei: Really…? But it looks- Brandr: The ears tell all, Sei. That thing’s dangerous and should be killed! Sei: But…Look. It’s not moving. Maybe it’s already… *Brandr nudges Profile with his foot, but she doesn’t respond* Brandr: …You’re right. Pick her up; we can use her for parts. Sei: Why me? Brandr: ‘Cause I’m carryin’ the supply pack! *Sei picks Profile up onto his back as Brandr starts to return the way they came* Sei: -She’s so light…I thought Messengers were made of metal, but…- Ah, hey, wait up! *Sei catches up with Brandr* Sei: …Brandr, Why do Messengers look so human? Brandr: Who knows? Probably to bring people’s guard down before they’re chopped to bits. Sei: Why do they kill? Brandr: You’re gettin’ annoyin’…They have no emotions. They’re walkin’ weapons for the Atlasians. *While they’re talking, Profile slowly wakes up. Once she’s fully awake, she reacts and jumps off Sei’s back, kicking him into the sand in the process. Brandr also reacts and aims at Profile, who unknowingly steps back. Brandr’s also shaking* Brandr: I knew it wasn’t dead! Profile: …Where am I? Brandr: Someplace you don’t belong! *Sei gets up and rubs his head* Sei: Ow… Profile: I don’t have time to deal with you. Go home. Brandr: The hell!? *he shoots at Profile, who jumps back, turns and runs towards the Atlas* Brandr: The thing’s got a bug or something…Normally they kill you before you can ask a question. Sei: …Then if she has a bug…Then I can ask her something! *Sei runs off after Profile* Brandr: Idiot! You’re gonna…! Aw, dammit! *Brandr chases after Sei*
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Post by Profile on Nov 9, 2009 23:09:52 GMT -5
Scene 1 Setting: Winter, atop an abandoned Atlas from long ago, near land. Time has taken its toll; its body has sunk down beneath the waves. Only the head, where the city rests, remains above the surface. Several more years, and soon water will flood the streets. Veins of ivy and the large increase of birds gives the place an eerie beauty…But the damage it has suffered ages ago has left it uninhabitable… - *A lone being travels among the crumbled buildings, wearing a coat made of scrap cloth. She glances up at the sky at the clouds crowding together overhead* Profile: Great…More rain… *she continues walking, and stops at the edge of the city, where a grave is, watching the ocean* Profile: I shouldn’t be out here…It wouldn’t be good if I’m caught in the freezing rain. He always said so… *a click is heard, and she glances over her shoulder at a mysterious figure* Profile: …Come to cause more trouble? ??: … Profile: I thought you learned your lesson. *She ducks and trips her attacker, and they fight as freezing rain starts to pour. After a while of fighting, Profile’s left arm locks up, which notably shocks her, giving the assailant the chance to hit her hard enough into the cold water below…* ?? : Have fun with the fishes… *the attacker walks into a building, and starts to walk down a set of steps*
Scene 2 Setting: The shore of a beach near Elaku Village, one of the many mining towns. The mine has been closed down due to uprisings and lack of materials used for Atlas. Now a small military base has set up there, preparing new soldiers for battle…The storm has let up to a cold drizzle. The Atlas can barely be seen…A sad sight. - *Two soldiers are walking along the beach shore, wearing thick coats with the hoods up. One of them, Sei, rubs his hands together, despite the fact he’s wearing gloves.* Brandr: You’re goin’ to set your hands on fire if you keep doin’ that. Sei: Ahaha…Sorry. I’m not used to being out this late. Brandr: Neither am I, but you don’t see me complainin’. Sei: You’re shaking. Brandr: Shut up! *They chuckle, and Sei looks over at the Atlas* Sei: That thing’s been there for as long as I can remember… Brandr: Well, it’s an ancient model. Who’d want to live on an Atlas that walked? Now that they can fly, the older ones are pretty much islands in the ocean. Sei: Hey… *Sei’s now looking at something on the beach* Sei: What’s that? *he runs over to see* Brandr: Wait, you dolt! …Dammit… *Brandr follows Sei, and they inspect what the thing is – It’s Profile, unconscious. When Brandr notices the metal ears, he almost freaks and pulls Sei away, pointing a gun at Profile* Sei: Whoa, what the heck!? Brandr: That thing’s a Messenger! Sei: Really…? But it looks- Brandr: The ears tell all, Sei. That thing’s dangerous and should be killed! Sei: But…Look. It’s not moving. Maybe it’s already… *Brandr nudges Profile with his foot, but she doesn’t respond* Brandr: …You’re right. Pick her up; we can use her for parts. Sei: Why me? Brandr: ‘Cause I’m carryin’ the supply pack! *Sei picks Profile up onto his back as Brandr starts to return the way they came* Sei: -She’s so light…I thought Messengers were made of metal, but…- Ah, hey, wait up! *Sei catches up with Brandr* Sei: …Brandr, Why do Messengers look so human? Brandr: Who knows? Probably to bring people’s guard down before they’re chopped to bits. Sei: Why do they kill? Brandr: You’re gettin’ annoyin’…They have no emotions. They’re walkin’ weapons for the Atlasians. *While they’re talking, Profile slowly wakes up. Once she’s fully awake, she reacts and jumps off Sei’s back, kicking him into the sand in the process. Brandr also reacts and aims at Profile, who unknowingly steps back. Brandr’s also shaking* Brandr: I knew it wasn’t dead! Profile: …Where am I? Brandr: Someplace you don’t belong! *Sei gets up and rubs his head* Sei: Ow… Profile: I don’t have time to deal with you. Go home. Brandr: The hell!? *he shoots at Profile, who jumps back, turns and runs towards the Atlas* Brandr: The thing’s got a bug or something…Normally they kill you before you can ask a question. Sei: …Then if she has a bug…Then I can ask her something! *Sei runs off after Profile* Brandr: Idiot! You’re gonna…! Aw, dammit! *Brandr chases after Sei*
*Profile slows down after a while of running, the Atlas is looming ahead* Profile: Damn…the cold’s slowing me down…! *she turns to see Sei, who slows down to a stop* Profile: What are you doing? Sei: Um…Er… *Profile pulls the gun from her belt and points it at Sei* Profile: I said go home. Sei: Wait! Profile: ? Sei: I…I wanted to ask you… *flashback to a younger Sei, looking terrified and cut up as someone points a weapon at him. The person has a wicked smile on their face* Sei: … Are…All Messengers evil? Are they all destined to kill? Profile: What…do you mean? Sei: I mean…Is that all Messengers are good for? Profile: …Idiot… Sei: What? Profile: Why are you asking me, if I am something to be feared? Sei: Because…You just seem different. Profile: -Different…?- Sei: So…Are they evil? Profile: …I’m not the one to ask. Sei: But- Profile: Go home. What I have to do doesn’t concern you. *She runs off, as Sei watches*
Scene 3 Setting: Within the Atlas. Moss grows in corners…huge puddles of water take over halls…Old, rusted traps are unable to work. At the very center is the core – Its heart. A long time ago, the core died out, rendering the Atlas useless. Now it seemed to be the home of a recent laboratory…But who used it, and for what? - *The Messenger that attacked Profile is in the lab, destroying it. Tearing up books, punching in screens…* ??: Where the hell is it…If I don’t find it, she’ll be mad… *they look down as their foot kicks something. It looks like a money box, locked shut.* ??: Found it. *right when they pick up the box, they are shot in the shoulder. They glare over at Profile, standing in the doorway* Profile: Get your hands off that. ??: I thought I got rid of you. Profile: You thought wrong. Drop the box. ??: Feh… *Profile is ready to shoot again, but the Messenger holds up the box as a shield* Profile: ! *The Messenger smirks and tosses the box away, then attacks Profile. They fight, and eventually the Messenger throws one of the machines onto Profile, pinning her down* Profile: Aaah! Messenger: Best stay where you belong…With the rest of this scrap. *the Messenger grabs the metal box and runs out* Profile: No… -His journal…- …?; Who’s there? *Sei looks in from where he was hiding, then runs over to help Profile out* Profile: You…! Sei: Hold still… *Sei tries to pull her out* Profile: Why are you…? Sei: As a soldier, I can’t leave anyone behind. Profile: Idiot…If he comes back, you’ll die… Sei: So? That’s what happens to soldiers sometimes, right? Profile: ?! Sei: Soldiers die for what they believe in…And I believe in helping others. Profile: Y-You… *Sei finally manages to pull Profile out, but her left hand is damaged, with the artificial skin lost* Sei: Ah, sorry… Profile: …Why…? Why would you help something that’s ‘evil’? Sei: … *Another flashback – Sei’s watching as the Messenger walks away. He’s clutching close a piece of cloth* Sei: I have my reasons. Now, you stay here and recover. I’ll go after him. Profile: !; But you’ll… *But Sei runs off before she can finish. She sits there and stares where he ran off, then gets up and runs after him*
*The Messenger is trapped at a dead end – the insides of the Atlas are like a maze* Messenger: Crud… *Sei runs up and points his gun at the Messenger* Sei: Freeze! Messenger: The hell…? *The Messenger turns and studies Sei for a second* Messenger: A human…A newbie with guns, at that. Sei: -Dammit…- That box belongs to that girl! Give it back to her! Messenger: And why would a human defend a Messenger? *Sei doesn’t answer, but fires at the Messenger, who avoids it all too easily, because Sei aimed too high!* Messenger: Wow, you’re definitely an arms master. Sei: Shut up! *Sei rushes forward and actually punches the Messenger in the face, only to pull his hand back and shake it* Sei: Ow… Messenger: Humans…How stupid, punching something made of metal. *The Messenger knees Sei in the stomach, then punches him down to the floor* Sei: D…Damn… Messenger: This will be a cinch. *The Messenger points his gun at Sei’s head* Messenger: Goodbye… Sei: No… *Profile suddenly runs up, and with a jump, punches the Messenger in the chest with her left hand, which was sparking. However, the impact causes an explosion…*
Final Scene Setting: On the beach, just outside the Atlas. *Brandr is standing on the beach, looking unhappy and shivering* Brandr: Damn that Sei…Tryin’ to be a hero when he can’t even aim…What goes on in that head of his? *suddenly, an explosion occurs in the wall of the Atlas* Brandr: The hell!? *Profile, Sei, and rubble are seen falling into the ocean* Brandr: SEI! *The three fall in…Sei struggles in the cold water, panic in his eyes* Sei: -Can’t…swim…Ah, great…My first day in service and this is how it ends…- *shift to his POV – As he loses consciousness, he notices a strange shape moving towards him* Sei: -Who…?- *As he passes out, a strange green hand grabs his…*
End of Chapter 1
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